Breakeven
by Chaylay23
Summary: After four years of not speaking, Shawn takes Gus from everything he knows. Shawn/Gus.
1. Chapter 1

Untitled: Shawn/Gus

Burton Guster was a creature of habit. Shawn felt the corners of his mouth twitch of their own accord. He hid in the neatly maintained foliage in front of Gus' window. He could've closed his eyes and he would've been able to tell Gus' nightly routine. He came in and set his keys and the mail on the small table. He then removed his coat and hung it neatly on the back of the couch. Not a thing out of place and every act in a meticulous, annoyingly well set order. He was prepared for tomorrow. Which would make this more complicated and aggravating.

Shawn sighed and climbed onto the window sill. He maneuvered his way around the side of the house and leapt onto the concrete landing in front of the door. He braced himself and rapped twice on the wooden door.

Gus opened the door cautiously, unsure of what he'd find on the other side. Upon seeing Shawn, he ducked his head and tried to slow his heart rate. "Shawn." He said with finality. Images of Shawn started to reel in his mind, pulled from the recesses of his brain.

Shawn wasn't supposed to be wearing a pristine, neatly ironed collared shirt. He should be wearing a rugged blue, plaid button-down hastily and incorrectly buttoned. His face shouldn't have been grave and pale with worry. He was supposed to be flushed with adrenaline, lips bruised and shiny. Gus shook off a chill as he remembered that he shouldn't know what those lips tasted like.

"Gus." Shawn breathed, forgetting what to do with his hands. He coughed and tried again. "Gus. I know it's been a long time-"

Gus frowned. "A long time? Try four years. Four years without a single note or phone call. After you promised not to do this to me again. But I guess I should know by now not to take your promises seriously." He quirked an eyebrow, leaning against the wall. He still hadn't asked Shawn to come in. Almost like he wasn't welcome in Gus' life anymore. And why should he be? After what he did.

Shawn kept silent for a moment, staring at his hands. He was itching, aching to touch Gus. He wanted to end the space between them and run his palms against the solid heat of Gus' chest. He wanted to crawl inside and never comeback out. Attach himself permanently to Gus forever, or until he made them both sick. But he couldn't do that now; maybe not ever again. Even if this goes according to plan.

"We have to go." Shawn said firmly, leaving no room for argument. He pushed past Gus into the house and to the back, where he knew the bedroom was.

"Shawn?" Gus called, hurriedly following Shawn. He knew better than to question the way Shawn knew where everything was located. "Shawn, what do you mean 'we have to go'? Shawn? Shawn! What the hell?" He grasped Shawn's bicep, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of his stomach as Shawn made a pained sound.

Shawn avoided Gus altogether, shaking out of the stunned man's grip and going to Gus' closet. He pulled out a duffel bag and started to pack up Gus' clothes. He took as much as he could grab, figuring he'd just replace whatever wouldn't fit.

"Shawn!" Gus' obvious frustration made Shawn nostalgic for the days when the people he surrounded himself with were easy to read and not trying to kill him at every turn. When someone told him they loved him and meant it. When a simple twitch of a lip was just a twitch and not a reason to stab a man in cold blood.

Gus moved to place his hand over Shawn's on the nightstand, effectively stopping Shawn's movements. He frowned and a panicked feeling started to take over as he realized Shawn was packing his inhaler. Shawn breathed in deep and slow, remembering what it was like when Gus didn't look at him so distrustfully. When he'd held Gus' trust and understanding without having done anything.

"What are we-you running from?" Gus demanded and Shawn didn't lift his gaze, instead fingering one of Gus' shirts. He shook his head as he eyed the mended button, the second from the bottom.

After realizing Gus wasn't going to go willingly, Shawn looked up, pleading with his eyes. "Please. Can we just go?" And four, maybe three years ago, that tone would've made Gus go along with whatever he asked, unhealthy or unsafe. But this wasn't three years ago.

"What's going on with you?" Gus never removed his hand and Shawn wished he would because it was burning.

Shawn shook his head, shoulders aching in their tension. "We have to go-"

"Shawn-" Gus started to object when Shawn cut him off.

"We have to go. Now, or you die."

* * *

In an action movie, a line like that would get the single mother to reluctantly grab her kids and race out to the SUV conveniently parked in the driveway with the keys inside. But this wasn't an action movie and Shawn didn't have the pecs and amazingly timed puns.

Gus still bitched for a solid thirty minutes and eventually Shawn had to feign illness to get Gus out to the car where he proceeded to shove Gus into the backseat. He dodged questions about how he'd gotten the sleek, black sedan and just what exactly the automatic, restraints in the back of his car were used for.

After an hour of threats with words like "police", "Henry" and "kidnapping", Gus finally sat back silently in the seat. After an hour and a half of driving, Gus dozed off, the familiar sighs of breath comforting Shawn. Lulling him into the delusion that he and Gus were still best friends. That the last four years never happened.

Gus woke up in an unknown state. He was hot and his cell phone was almost dead. He sighed inwardly, knowing Shawn hadn't though to pack his charger. He wasn't really surprised Shawn had given him his cell phone. He didn't bother to check the SIM card, knowing Shawn had exchanged it with another.

He opened his mouth to speak when his stomach growled. "I heard that." Shawn interjected, eyed on the deserted highway. "I wanted to stop fifteen minutes ago but you looked so tired."

Gus wanted to ask when he'd decided it was okay to care again but decided against it. He climbed into the front seat. "What time is it?"

Shawn frowned and glanced at his phone. "About eight, here."

"Where is 'here'?" Gus asked, studying the road for signs. They appeared to be driving through desert, a few buildings here and there. Nothing looked familiar and Shawn didn't have a map out anywhere or a GPS system.

"The edge of Nevada." Shawn said calmly.

"How fast did you drive?" He asked incredulously. He looked at the speedometer weaving between one-twenty and one-thirty. "Shawn, do you know how fast you're going?"

"Not fast enough." He answered sternly.

"Right." Gus crossed his arms and leaned back against the seat, exposing the vulnerable expanse of his neck. Shawn remembered what the skin there tasted like, what Gus sounded like with his mouth pressed up nice and hot to the shell of Shawn's ear. What it felt like to go to sleep in sheets soaked in the scent of Gus. He swallowed and told himself to focus.

"Seriously, when can I go home?" Gus asked, sounding calmer than he would've three years ago. "I have a final report due Friday and I can't afford to not be there."

Shawn rolled his eyes. "Tell him your doggy kidnapped you and took you to Nevada. And when that doesn't work, bat those pretty eyes of yours and shed a tear."

"I'm not you. I don't use my body to get what I want." He responded, pretending not to notice the stiffening of Shawn's shoulders.

"Just letting it all out, aren't you?" He sighed, tired of fighting with Gus. "Gus, if we're going to talk about that, can it wait until I'm not scared shitless we won't make it past the state border in time?"

"Fine, where are we going?"

"If I tell you it's one of Henry's houses, will you feel better?" At this point, Shawn wasn't sure why he cared.

"Only slightly." He looked at Shawn. "Is he going to be there?"

"He doesn't know, exactly. But I'm a big boy now and I think I can take care of myself." He choked and grew silent.

"Then why did I have to come?"

"I wanted company. Now just shut up and look pretty." Gus didn't say anything for the rest of the night. When Shawn stopped at a hotel in the middle of nowhere, Gus felt guilty for starting the fight. He knew deep down Shawn wouldn't have done this for a dumb reason. He'd 'kidnapped' Gus several times when his parents started going through the divorce. Whenever he felt like he was losing something, he latched on the person closes to him. When his mom left, that person was Gus. Gus had been that person for so long it felt like he'd always been.

Shawn grabbed their room keys and started up the stairs. Gus wondered vaguely how Shawn had paid for this. Gus still had his wallet safely tucked in his back pocket.

He'd gotten a room with two queens, the joke not lost on his strained mind. It was only as they set their bags down on the beds that the silence between them truly started to feel daunting.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch. 2

"This has to be the most dangerous, half-assed plan you've ever cooked up, Spencer." Joss said, leaning against her car. She grinned at him, flashing her sharp teeth and sly tongue. There was a reason he'd called.

"I'm not so sure about that." He smiled grimly and sat next to her, eyes on the closed hotel door. Gus was asleep when he'd slipped out, all the while anxious and eying everything that moved. "But you've had my back through worse."

Joss tilted her head up towards the bright sun. "Yeah, but this is different. This isn't just you or one of us. I bet he's never even fired a gun before or had to go from cover to cover at the drop of a hat. If this goes sideways, he's going to be fucked in more ways than one." And at the pained look on Shawn's face, "They will find ways to break him. They will tear him down, piece by piece until there's nothing left. Until he's exactly like you and me. Either side will and you know it."

Shawn nodded, avoiding her eyes. "They'll use him. I know that, but can you help me?" He asked, silently begging she'd give him what he wanted and half hoping she'd say no. He was asking too much of her now.

Joss sighed, sliding off the hood and landing gracefully on her heels. She looked up at him, her hair falling in waves against her cheek. "You know I will, babe." She kissed him softly on the cheek. She loved him, but she wished for the day he stopped harboring this silly crush. If not because it was dangerous, then because it was breaking his heart. "I've got your back."

Shawn looked up, determined look in his eyes. "Thanks. I just- I love him you, know?"

Joss sighed, kicking at the dirt beneath her. She blamed the stress of the Iris job for the quake in her stomach at his words. "Yeah, I do. Love isn't enough Shawn; not for us anyway."

"But if you could've saved Carly, you would've done it." Shawn stated defiantly, blinking up at her intimidating figure. In not so many ways, she reminded him of his father. She was a constant reminder of the strength he needed but never got. Joss was a pistol, she always had been.

"That's different. It was too late for her from the start. And I'll never forgive myself for that." She shook her head and watched Shawn check the room again. Gus was obviously his weakness.

"It's not too late for Gus." He dropped his head to his hands and breathed softly for a moment before finishing. "Just once, why can't love be enough?"

Joss stepped forward and brushed the hair from Shawn's face. He was due for a haircut and she longed for the days he'd worn it short and combed back from his face. In some ways, Shawn was her weakness too. It wasn't safe, it was dangerous. She was a hypocrite and she embraced it.

"I don't know, Shawn. I just don't know." She whispered.

* * *

Gus was awake when Shawn slipped back inside, under the guise of gathering breakfast. He set down the bag of donuts on the dresser. "Hey, you're up." He sat up on the small table in the corner, watching Gus put on his shoes. "I got us breakfast. We're going to have to eat on the road. If we make good time, we can get there in a few days." _If I drive through the night,_ he thought.

Gus was silent, gathering his things. When he had everything together, his bag neatly closed where as Shawn's had to be stuffed shut, he finally spoke. "Who was your friend? You seemed pretty cozy."

Shawn looked confused, knowing full and well Gus had seen Joss outside. "Just a friend. She's helping me out."

He stared at Gus, seeing the doubt apparent in Gus' gaze. Slowly he saws bits and pieces dissipate.

"How?" Gus asked, reluctantly starting on breakfast.

"She has a way with things like this." Shawn said, trying to decide how much to reveal. "She has experience."

"What kind of experience?" Gus asked, mouth full with food. The sight made Shawn smile.

"Experience-- as in the literal meaning of the word. Anyway, let's get going." Shawn said in a rush, gathering everything and heading out to the car.

* * *

Shawn wished he could say it was out of fear that he drove non-stop through three nights. The truth was he couldn't sleep. Anytime he'd start to feel tired, he look over at Gus' sleeping form in the passenger seat and picture it bloody and beaten down, his eyes growing duller by the second. And morbid or not, realistic or not, he couldn't sleep with that image in his head.

Gus woke at one point, the cease in the repetitive motion waking him. The car was stopped at the side of the road, the driver side empty. Half worried, half drowsy, Gus unfastened his seat belt and opened the door. Shawn was crouched in front of the car, the headlights creating a small shadow in the dirt, smaller than Shawn had ever been. He stumbled over to the figure, still too tired to register that he was wrapping his arms around this man he'd tried so hard to hate. But he had and mumbled little assurances over Shawn's panicked cries that he'd "done something bad. Something so bad he didn't think even God could forgive him." He'd even hastily agreed when Shawn had told him that "this was it and if Gus wasn't sure he could handle it, he could have him on a plane in thirty minutes—home in an hour." And would Gus stay if "he really, really needed him to."

Shawn didn't mention it when they got back in the car. He did however, hours later, tell Gus that he wouldn't hold him to his promise. "I know you were just trying to put me back together again. That's your thing."

"Yeah, that's me: your personal King's man."

Shawn hadn't smiled, not even an inch. He just continued. "I think you know by now that this isn't just for the weekend or a couple of weeks."

"You're kidnapping me for life, huh?" He wished he didn't sound so unopposed. "That'll go over well with my parents."

Shawn didn't mention that he knew they were currently having problems of their own. In the process of spying on Gus, he'd swung by the Gusters. If the lawyer fees in their checking accounts and book titles like "Explaining Divorce to the Kids" were anything to go by, the Gusters were becoming singular units.

"Maybe not for life. For the rest of mine anyway." Shawn responded.

So Shawn drove, over the speed limit, through state after state, through night after night. He drove until he reached the Kansas border.

* * *

He set everything up in a city he'd only heard of in passing. He rented a small, two-bedroom house big enough to let the neighbors know he had money and small enough to let single women know he had already found the rest of his life. And he had, the rest of his life just hadn't been returning his calls.

He pulled up along side a parked car just outside of town and woke Gus. He pulled all of their things out and placed them in the light green SUV. He asked Gus to go find some lunch while he exchanged the license plates. It was illegal and, though Gus was unaware of the felonies he'd acquired, Shawn didn't want to add more to Gus' rap sheet.

He drove into the quaint, tiled driveway, eying the puzzled expression on Gus' face. "Who lives here?" he asked, getting out reluctantly as Shawn did.

Shawn grinned and nodded towards the mailbox. _Erickson and Duquette. _"We do, silly." He pulled out two drivers licenses. "From now on, your name is Gus Erickson and I'm your roommate Shawn Duquette. We've been living together for years."

It was a lot to process but Gus chose the least important to question. "You know everyone will assume we're gay, right?"

Shawn wrapped an arm around Gus' shoulders, ignoring the way he flinched at first. "Oh Gus, I hope so. Nosy neighbors are the first to accuse but the last to acquit. If you only knew the many neighbors that still claim the serial killer next door was as sweet as could be."

And so, unknowingly, Gus began his new life.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch. 3

Gus Erickson and Shawn Duquette weren't the only new neighbors to the Green Haven neighborhood. There were probably the only neighbors with an unexplained bank account of over two billion dollars in fortune. And possibly the only house with a safe room and a gun locker hidden in a secret compartment of the pantry. And certainly the only men on the street with a book of phrases that translated into messages like "Twelve o'clock, danger", "Run fast and silently", and "Hide until you hear my voice".

And if Gus thought it was weird, he added it to the list of questions to ask Shawn when he sat down long enough to catch his breath. It was no secret to Gus that Shawn was running and hiding from something or someone. He knew it had something to do with his mysterious, heavy bank account. It was the only explanation to why, the second thing Shawn had insisted on when they'd arrived, after explaining Gus' new identity, was teaching Gus how to use a gun.

Shawn had scored Gus a job at a law firm. He handled contracts for private business matters. A boring job but quiet enough and private enough his salary couldn't be guessed. Shawn worked in "buying and selling rare artifacts". It was so quiet that nobody could really ask questions. They had to explain their "income" somehow. The more private their "jobs", the easier to avoid suspicion.

Gus came home from work on his ninth day to find a red Mercedes in the driveway. He kept the worry off of his face and opened the front door to see a tall brunette standing in the foyer. She was wearing a black tie-dress and sleek heels and if Gus hadn't become so fond of his new life, she would've been precisely his type. She turned around and Gus recognized her as the girl from the hotel parking lot about two weeks ago.

She practically bounced up and down as she ran to give him a hug. "You're him! Hi! I'm so excited to meet you. I'm Addison, an old friend from college. Shawn has told me everything about you. He failed to mention how cute you were." She squeezed a little too tight for comfort before pulling back.

Gus exchanged a look with Shawn, watching as he tried not to laugh. "Nice to meet you." He said dumbly.

"Oh, yes it is." She repeated, smile faltering for a moment, just long enough for Shawn to note. He frowned in observation, standing up. He started to lead her to the door, guiding Gus by his lower back into the house, the look on his face clearly saying "we'll talk about this later". "I'll see you soon, Gus."

Gus watched as they spoke swiftly and quietly in some silent language. He watched as Shawn used his words, expressions and his body to communicate. He watched her kiss him almost achingly tender on his forehead before nodding a farewell and getting into her car. He waved numbly back and she backed out.

Shawn frowned as Joss left, deep in thought. She'd come to tell him his abrupt departure had sparked a frenzy in several departments. People were searching for him, the evidence he left in Canada had bought him some time. To be on the safe side, he should stay put at least another three months before lifting his head. That meant he would be able to keep Gus in the dark for longer.

Also erring on the safe side, Joss had set up residence a few blocks away. She was going by Addison Coleman for the moment. No doubt another protagonist from those romance novels she wrote. The neighbors thought she traveled a lot for business. They didn't know those "business conventions" involved excellent blade work and more often than not, someone left in a body bag.

Shawn pulled his sweater closer to his body and entered the house, closing the door slowly behind him. "Hey." He said, sitting beside Gus on the couch. "So, about Joss-"

"Joss?" Gus asked, confusion obvious and Shawn wanted to kiss him so badly.

"Yeah, Addison is Joss. I've known her for years. She's just here to keep an eye on us." _She's here to keep and eye on you,_ he corrected. "Make sure we're not being too obvious." Yet Gus' lack of subtly was becoming Shawn's favorite part of him.

"Right. Because I forgot my name a couple of times yesterday. I'm sure it was pretty noticeable. They called my name about four times before I remembered." Gus admitted quietly.

Shawn coked his head, trying to decipher if Gus was serious. He grinned and laid his head on Gus' shoulder, loving the way his warmth blocked out the world in at least one ear. It slipped out before he knew, "I love you."

And it was silent; not necessarily awkward because Shawn wished it that way. "Shawn…" Gus trailed off, not knowing what to say. And it felt like proper manners to say it back. But when he opened his mouth, his throat clamped shut.

Shawn closed his eyes and relished in the fact that Gus was trying to let him down gently and hadn't yet shrugged him off. _But he wouldn't be this way with me at all if he knew just what I'd done. What I _had_ to do to keep him safe. So I'll take what I can have._ "You don't have to say it back. Not now, anyway."

"What do you mean not now?"

"Mrs. Grey invited us to dinner this Thursday. We've got to look like a loving couple. Kisses and all." Shawn said wistfully as he felt Gus tense.

"I'm surprisingly not that surprised you agreed." And he wasn't. Shawn had been trying so hard to come across as sickeningly domestic. Much like he had years ago when he thought it had been what Gus wanted. Before he broke his heart anyway.

"You've got to play the game. You have to be so excruciatingly normal so that they don't suspect a thing. This one time, my friend Wilson was working in Pittsburg and he had this neighbor, Mr. Tillman I think, and he would constantly sit at his window with this ridiculous set of spy binoculars he'd won in a raffle or he got them out a cereal box or something. Anyway, they actually worked and Wilson, he was never really good about keeping his curtains closed. He… he used to come home and …" He trailed off and after a moment Gus looked down and saw that he'd fallen asleep. And much like Shawn did all those nights in the car, Gus let him dream. He picked him up as gently as he could and carried him to bed and if his heart pulled as he left the room, he ignored it.

***

"I know! Damn it!" Gus shoved at the railing and left the safe room. He was pissed. At Shawn, at Joss, at himself. He wasn't a great shot, he knew that. He'd only been practicing for the past three weeks. He was working on it and he didn't need Shawn breathing down his neck telling him how important it was that he got better. If he didn't know that, he wouldn't be here.

He stomped his way into the kitchen and poured himself a glass of milk. He was calming down, his eyes lazily coming back to the phone over and over. He knew his parents were probably worried. He wasn't able to call them. Shawn hadn't specifically forbid him but it was a pretty easy guess.

Gus had just pushed off from the counter, deciding it couldn't hurt if he called, just to let his mother know he was okay. Just less than thirty seconds like he saw in all those cop shows. He'd just decided on it when Shawn came in, hair messy and sticking to his head in places. His mind ran over that night years ago and so many times before that.

"Gus, look I'm sorry, okay? I don't mean to yell but I get worried. I get scared that when you really need to protect yourself, you won't know how. And I won't be there to protect you." He stopped, seeing Gus was adamantly focused on his feet. "What?"

Reluctantly, "I wanted to call my parents. They don't know where I am." He noted the strained look on Shawn's face and immediately took it back. "But its okay; its fine. I don't have to. They shouldn't be worried about me anyway. It's not like I'm ten-years-old."

Shawn shook his head, pushing Gus towards the phone. His hands lingered on his back and Gus could feel the apology there. This had become their life now. Gus saying or doing something that showed just how unused to secrecy and subtlety he was and Shawn would call him on it much like his father used do to him and the rest of the day would be spent apologizing and forgiving. Usually Shawn was the one apologizing. "No, go ahead. Feel free. There's no way to track this line. Just remember not to tell them anything about where you are. Lie if you have to."

Shawn stalked off, a lonely, solemn look on his face. "Okay, thanks."

Halfway through a ring, his mother answered. "Burton Guster, that better be you or so help me-" She started, her voice coming out in a rushed whisper.

"Yeah mom, it's me." He said sheepishly, knowing his mother could probably hear the shamed shrug over the phone. "It's a long story actually…"

Shawn listened in the foyer though he was sure Gus wouldn't give them away. He trusted him; more than Joss sometimes. He'd lied to her to get her here. He'd told her he informed his superior that he was going off the grid for a while. It was more of an insurance policy to gain Joss' trust back. And yeah, it wasn't really fair. He was asking too much of both of them. He really should've known Gus would feel guilty for worrying his parents. He was too preoccupied lying to Gus to realize what he was doing to the people Gus cared about.

After a while, he made his back to the safe room. Joss was taking practice shots with the simulator, not a single shot off the mark. "I'm so glad you love me." Shawn teased, coming up beside her. "I'd hate to be on the other side of that."

She smirked, barely pausing in her practice. "Keep treating him like a naughty schoolgirl and you will be." She fired off a few more shots before ceasing. She straightened her hair, eying him with the same challenging look she gave in response to any and all orders. "You're too hard on him." Short, sweet and to the point.

Shawn shook his head and stepped towards her. "I'm not. He needs to know what's out there."

"And how can he when you won't tell him anything? You never tell him where you're going, who you're with, or why you're here. He's getting restless and you just keep telling him 'Stay in house', 'Don't answer the phone unless it's me or Joss, 'Do as I say, not as I do.' Maybe if you just-"

Shawn snapped and cut her off, "Maybe if I just, what? What- tell him who I am? What I've done? The people I've killed? That'll go over well. Maybe he'll be scared stupid and I'll get a head start before he calls the cops."

Joss rolled her eyes and widened her stance, defensive. She was taller than him now. "Shawn, you can't keep expecting him to wait and-"

"He doesn't trust me now? How can I expect him to even trust being in the same room with me if I tell him I'm the reason several people, whole families, are dead and rotting in the ground?"

"Oh, now that's just a bit extreme-" She started, a wince on her face.

"Is it?" Shawn smiled grimly, a smile Joss was regretfully getting used to. She'd learned to rely on Gus if she wanted to see a real one from him. There were so rare these days.

Joss met his gaze stress creating unforgiving shadows on her face. She looked so real Shawn almost forgot how to breathe. "You're not a bad person." She stepped closer to him and held his face in her palms. "If you were I wouldn't be here."

Shawn dropped his eyes to his hands. He wanted to tell her what he'd done. He'd wanted to for so long but he kept telling himself it wasn't the time. It wasn't just him that needed her, Gus did too. There was never a choice between protecting himself and Gus. Before and after that night he'd crawled into Gus' bed. "You love me. You shouldn't."

Joss sighed and turned back to the simulation. "Go easier on him. He's not like us and you should pray he never is."

Shawn turned his back on her and started to go upstairs again. _At least he'd be safer, _he thought.


	4. Chapter 4

It was getting harder for Shawn. If he'd thought the distance that had been building over four years would disappear, he was mistaken. Everyday Gus would come home; they'd have dinner and maybe watch some TV before Gus would retire to his room and Shawn reluctantly to his. Watching that door close every night had begun to make his stomach turn. He had to find a way to make it through that doorway.

That determination was keeping him up this Tuesday night. He could vaguely hear the sounds of Gus ambling around his room and if he tried, he could picture what he was doing. He was probably picking out his clothes for tomorrow and packing his briefcase as well.

Despite Shawn's insistence that the jobs were just for cover and he had more than enough money for Gus to forgo work for the rest of his life, Gus insisted on 'earning his keep'. He gave Shawn money for rent and groceries under the notion Shawn had been spending it. It had been two months and Shawn had been slowly leaking it back into Gus' savings account behind his back.

He wished he had to courage to just get up and go to Gus' room. Push Gus against a wall, tell him he was being stupid and press his lips to Gus'. He'd been so close to doing it a few nights but he was stalled by the thought of Gus ever finding out the things he'd done. The image was enough to make Shawn reconsider ever going near Gus again. After what he'd done, all the things Gus and even Joss don't know about, how could Gus stand to be around him at all.

Shawn sighed to himself and rolled over to face the wall separating him from Gus' nightly routine. He closed his eyes and willed them to stay shut to accomplish at least an hour of sleep. He dreamt that Gus and Joss were hanging off a cliff by a hand and he could only save one of them. He was standing in the suit and tie he'd burned on his way to Gus'. He dropped his gaze to his bloodied hands and heard himself gasp. After a moment of stunned inaction, he stepped forward to the cliff. He extended his hand to Gus and watched at the older man shook his head and let go, disappearing into the dark.

* * *

It was becoming a normal sight: Gus Erickson coming home from a day at work to meet his "roommate" Shawn Duquette at home. He'd park the modest SUV in the driveway, exit with his briefcase and open the door, mail in hand. The neighbors had titled them the "sweet interracial, gay couple down the street". They had taken to inviting them to brunches and neighborhood functions and once or twice, Shawn and Gus had invited people to their house.

It was all painfully domestic. Or at least Gus thought so. He had no idea that underneath Shawn's insistence that he'd never wanted the white picket fence and 2.4 kids, he would settle so rightfully and swiftly into the life. Well half of it anyway. On the weekends, he took Gus to target practice. He also added onto the saferoom and quizzed Gus daily on the precautionary phrases. Joss came to visit a couple of times a month to help. Gus was getting better and more suspicious as two months passed. And Shawn had been getting away with his secrets and stories of the "horrible thing he had done". He had, he told himself, until that day.

He left the house for what had to be the fourth time that entire month, with the exception of taking Gus to target practice. He had taken to reviving the bike he'd left at Henry's all those years ago. The plates had been changed and the title had been forged. Just a few more felonies to add to his trophy case.

He'd had to grab a few more parts for the saferoom and had been on his way back when he saw it. The speeding ambulance, headed down the street passing the stubborn lines of traffic. And in that instant, in that brief moment, the sound washed over him louder than anything he'd ever heard, louder than multiple gunshots, louder than Joss screaming through choked cries of a lost child, louder than Gus' parting "fuck you" all those years ago. And his heart, for the first time in so long, since he'd become Mr. Domestic, raced and threatened to burst through his chest. It beat so intensely, Shawn thought that any longer, he would choke on it the way he had when he'd broken it, or rather let Gus break it.

He felt himself speed through the traffic light after the ambulance, ignoring the fact that following an ambulance wasn't exactly blending in with his surroundings. He told himself that he didn't care if he broke his nice, secure and boring cover. He didn't care if he got himself caught by the "good guys" or the "bad guys". He didn't care if he died as long as Gus was okay. As long as he wasn't dead because Shawn had gotten greedy and selfish. That whatever happened, it wasn't Shawn's fault.

And he got about three streets away when he realized he'd followed the racing vehicle past the turnoff to Green Haven. Shawn raced home still, faster even; he pushed the bike to the highest speeds it would go. He needed to see Gus with his own eyes to truly breathe easy again. He drove up the driveway, practically leapt from his bike and ran to the front door. He didn't have to pull out his keys because Gus was already there opening the door.

"Hey, I heard the bike. You're home early-" Gus started, noting the panicked expression on Shawn's face. "Are you okay?"

Shawn shook his head, taking in as much of Gus as he could. He was vaguely aware that he was panting as he reached up and felt the steady beat of his pulse beneath his chin. Shawn pulled Gus tightly to his body and before he could control what he was doing, he pressed his lips hard against Gus' mouth. He took advantage of Gus' shock and used his tongue to sweep Gus' mouth, his hand coming up to hold Gus' cheek. He pushed deeper still until Gus had no choice but to hold them up or fall. He heard his rushing, harsh breaths in his ears and he knew the tears blending into their kiss weren't Gus'.

His unbalanced weight against Gus started to shift and Gus leaned back into the wall behind them, finally opening his mouth to Shawn's. It was nothing like before for so many reasons. Shawn hadn't known what it was like to have the blood of a friend running thick and heavy between his fingers, or the shear terror of loving someone so much that he'd kill an innocent man in cold blood. He hadn't known then just how much it hurt physically and mentally to kiss someone with more feeling than he'd felt in those three frigid years. He gave everything he had and Gus met him halfway. Gus melted the ice he'd kept for so long.

When Shawn pulled back, breath returning, he spoke. "There was this- this ambulance and I thought you… I had no idea." He met Gus' eyes and promptly snapped his mouth shut at the anger he saw there.

Gus gently detached himself from Shawn and firmly pulled him to the couch. He sat down, eyes firmly on Shawn's as if he could read him. As if he would be able to tell whether or not Shawn was telling the truth. Which was a lie; he couldn't and Shawn hoped to God he never would. _More powerful men have tried. _

"I've been quiet and I haven't pried. Yeah, I went through your stuff, your bags and all the files that weren't encrypted on your laptop but I haven't found anything and I still have no idea what or who you're scared of. Or just why you needed me to come with you. I know it's something big. I've been praying it wasn't something illegal." He finished with a stern look on his face.

Shawn gauged just how much he could get away with. He decided on yet another lie. "I told you, I just wanted-"

Gus shook his head and turned to watch his reflection in the television set. "Bullshit. You brought me along because you're never going back. Because you can't or you won't. I just haven't figured out which. And you took me because you're selfish; you always have been."

Shawn made a small sound of appraisal, surprised Gus was so observational. "You're right, I'm selfish. And I can't go back to Santa Barbara. I won't tell you everything; that's a part of my life I don't ever want to go back to. I did something I don't even have words for." He swallowed and chanced a glance at Gus and saw no emotion there other than expectation. "I was working for some people with a lot of money and power. They hired me to do a job. It wasn't the first time they'd asked but up until then, I'd always declined. They just weren't the kind of people you see more than once if you know what I mean. Long story, short: I screwed up and got greedy. I screwed up big and it cost someone's life. But, Gus, you gotta understand… what they asked of me…" He stopped, taking a deep breath as images flooded his mind. "I just couldn't do it. I let them think I was going to go through with it, they put me on a plane and I ran. I ran until I couldn't run anymore. I set up this house, these covers, this life- I became another person.

"I didn't tell anyone. Well I told Joss but I can trust her. She still resents me for doing what she couldn't. She lost her daughter, her little girl. Carly was about eight and Joss had been gone for a while, securing a job in Finland. They picked her up from school, in her mother's car. They knew all the safe words and just what to say when Carly started to cry. Joss came home to find her dead in her bedroom, face down on the carpet. She tried to run and like cowards, they shot her in the back. I was the first person she called and I had to call the coroner and get Joss out of there. She almost scratched my skin off but if I hadn't, she would've sat there holding her for hours. It was about three months before she'd say more than three words to anyone."

Gus absently grasped Shawn's hand and traced little spirals in the center of his palm with his thumb. "It was selfish to drag you here with me and it was stupid to think you wouldn't ask questions, but I just couldn't, okay? I didn't want to come home to visit Henry one day and find out they'd gotten to you. And they'd know. They'd know to use you to get to me." He shook his head, seeing it in his mind. "It was- it was worse than anything I'd ever seen. It was worse than when Andy fucked up and they split him straight down the middle."

Shawn watched Gus for any sign of a reaction like fear or regret for agreeing to stay. Gus was quiet for a while before he asked the question he'd pondered since they'd come. "Shawn, how big is this?"

"Big?"

"Like will those people look for you in California and stop? Or will they chase you to the ends of the earth if they have to?" Gus elaborated, keeping his tone steady and even.

Shawn sighed and decided to tell the truth again. "If they get their way and they live long enough to spite me, they will chase me to and through the gates of hell if they have to."


	5. Chapter 5

"This is great, Mrs. Grey. I've never had actual homemade hot chocolate. It's delicious—here, _sugar muffin_, try some." Shawn grinned cockily and offered his mug to Gus, his hand firmly on Gus' ass. Gus hid his murderous grimace with the mug and looked to Joss for help. She'd come along reluctantly at Gus' insistence. Despite her better judgment that her presence would make it harder to keep their cover as new acquaintances, she'd grown attached to Gus and knew all too well that Shawn would milk the situation for all it was worth.

"Yes, it's very tasty, Mrs. Grey." Gus conceded, trying not-so-subtly to get distance from Shawn.

"Oh, _honey pie,_ you've got a little something right," Shawn licked at the corner of Gus' mouth, griping his shoulder as he tried to pull away. "There, I got it. You're good to go, _stud_." Joss covered her snort with a cough, mouthing an apology to Gus.

She casually passed Shawn and stepped on his toe with her sleek heels. He tried to smile as his eyes actually started to tear. "I absolutely _love_ what you've done with the place, Mrs. Grey." She cooed, eying Shawn innocently over her shoulder.

The elder woman waved a hand. "Oh, please, call me Patricia. And thank you, I made the drapes myself. My mother was a seamstress, taught me everything she knew. When I was a little girl-"

Shawn made his way to the dining room, Gus following stealthily behind him. As stealthily as he could before Shawn slapped his ass and he tripped over the rug. Shawn caught him before he could hit the floor.

"Nice moves, Gus. I've never seen someone spin move _into_ an obstacle. We should name that after you." He grinned as Gus stood and pulled out of his arms. Shawn kept trying to get his arms around him again, laughing as Gus slapped his hands away. "Gus, come on, man! What's up? My performance was flawless."

Gus paused in his avoidance dance to scold him. "Shawn, that poor woman-"

Shawn shook a finger at him playfully. "_Patricia._"

Gus rolled his eyes, and clenched his teeth. "_Patricia_, thinks we're… for lack of a better word: whores."

Shawn laughed out loud and Gus rushed forward to cover his mouth.

Gus shook his head and sat down at the table. "Shawn, leave me alone. I just wanna get this over with and go home."

Shawn swallowed a smile. He knew Gus liked their cover house but to hear him call it "home" made his heart feel heavy. "Well we could excuse ourselves and run home now, but I'm pretty sure it would look like we were running off to have hot, crazy, raunchy sex." Shawn sat on Gus' lap and bit at his neck. He applauded himself when his mouth earned a shiver from Gus. "I'm fine with that, if you are."

Gus was silent and Shawn started to move to see if he'd really go along with it. "You're right."

Shawn sat up, mouth open. "I am?" He straightened up. "Of course I am."

"I'm just gonna have to suck it up." He stood up, barely noticing as Shawn fell off his lap onto the carpet. "Let's go."

He waited for Shawn to stand before grabbing his hand and pulling him out into the foyer. He slapped Shawn's hand away from his ass as they approached the two women in the kitchen. Gus smiled softly and whispered in Shawn's ear, "I'm warning you, Shawn. I can give just as good as I get." He let Shawn interpret that however he wanted.

*

"And then its mother just _died_. Gus, here, he just started _bawling_. It was just the cutest thing. He just, he has so many feelings. Sometimes they get overwhelming." Shawn shook his head, patting Gus' hand. He swallowed the urge to laugh as Mrs. Grey nodded sincerely.

"Bless his heart." She covered Shawn's hand with her own. "I know what that's like."

Gus nodded reluctantly, looking to Joss for help. She shrugged and took a long sip of her wine. Gus followed suit and tried to block out Shawn's voice. He barely tuned back in when Shawn asked him a question.

"What?"

"I said, why don't you tell her how we met, _cuddle bunny_?" He smirked cheekily, enjoying the fire behind Gus' expression. _This is so worth it, _he thought.

Gus leaned forward, all the while coming up with the best story he could tell. It wasn't the one they'd rehearsed but it was close enough. "It's tough to explain. We met when we were kids. I was outside playing with my chemistry set and Shawn was playing with his dolls, right babe?" Shawn choked on his food, coughing as Gus pet him on the back a little too roughly. "He had a doll set of about twelve dolls. He took really good care of them actually. I think his dad was a little worried about him. Whenever we played house, I was always the dad and he was the … mom."

Behind Mrs. Grey's back, Joss applauded Gus quietly. Shawn was too proud of Gus to truly be angry.

"Isn't that right, _sweetheart_?" Gus asked, challenging Shawn silently.

* * *

A few months passed and Gus' training continued. If Joss noticed any difference, it was that Shawn no longer congratulated Gus for near perfect shots and flawless performances at neighborhood functions. Combat training went from difficult to brutal. Joss had to step in at least five times to stop Shawn from killing Gus. But if she'd thought Shawn's newfound Drill Sergeant attitude would be enough to push Gus into leaving, she was sorely mistaken. The harder Shawn pushed, the louder he yelled, the faster he fought, Gus gave it back ten times more. Joss didn't know how long she could let it go on before she'd have to put an end to it. It just seemed to keep escalating to the point Gus had to take leave from work, unable to explain his black eye.

Joss felt confident to blame it on Shawn's frustration at Gus' apathetic response to his advances. He'd make it a point to touch Gus whenever they were in public. He'd hold his hand or kiss him whenever he could justifiably claim someone was watching. And Gus would play along with it until they were behind closed doors again. He never outright rejected Shawn's affection, but he didn't embrace it either. If Shawn kissed him, Gus would kiss back for a moment before gently pulling away and claiming he had to work on something. Shawn wasn't willing to admit it to her but Joss knew that it hurt. He'd waiting so long to have Gus back and to have him so close and yet so far was tearing him apart inside. She didn't know Gus well enough to say for sure, but she suspected Gus was holding out on sheer principle. Shawn had broken his heart and he couldn't knowingly give it to Shawn again without guaranteeing there wouldn't be a repeat performance. Joss understood that, but that didn't mean she didn't think he was being an idiot.

Until they could reach some sort of compromise, they were committed to beating the hell out of each other.

Shawn appeared to be at his worse during combat training two days after he'd told Joss he felt the new mail guy at Gus' job had been asking too many questions. He was on edge from the start and he'd been taking it out on Gus all day. He'd reached his limit after Shawn shoved him to the mat for the eighth time.

"Gus! Get up! How many times are we going to do this before you get it right?" He shoved at Gus' waist over and over, faster and faster, succeeding in keeping Gus on the floor. "Up! Up! Up!"

"Shawn- stop yelling at me!" He launched himself at Shawn and they both fell, tangled, hard onto the mat. They fought, their hands gripping hard enough to bruise.

"It isn't going to be like this, Gus. Not in the real world. They're not gonna care if they hurt your feelings. They're not going to care is they make you bleed."He threw Gus off of him and climbed to his feet. Gus followed suit and reached for his shoulder. At his touch, Shawn spun around with a knife at Gus' throat. He backed Gus into the wall. The warmth of Gus' body wasn't enough to make him lower his weapon. They were close enough to feel Gus' heavy breathing on his neck. He tilted Gus' chin up with his forearm and sneered at how easily Gus was controlled. "They don't love you. It's not gonna matter if they kill you."

The tension in the room felt heavy and tangible. Joss wanted to move, wanted to end this because Shawn had never used that voice around Gus. Not ever. The last time she could remember him using it had been that night on the phone when she'd asked him to help him run. _"Don't ask me why. I told Bailey. He knows why I'm running. I need you and if you're not going to help me… then quit wasting my time."_

Steeling herself, she quietly made her way to the men on the mat. She stopped a few feet away. "Shawn, put it away."

Neither responded. They stood there staring each other down. Shawn determined and unapologetic; Gus stoic and fearless. Joss had to drop her eyes from their closeness. The way their bodies melted together was meant to portray the anger of the moment but it was entirely too secret and selfish. Gus' hand appeared to be posed on Shawn's hip to hold him back but it was pulling him closer. Gus' head was tilted back with more of a caress than a forceful hand. It was as if this was the only time they were allowed to touch.

Joss crossed her arms, feeling extremely uncomfortable. "Shawn, put it down, now." When he didn't move, she reluctantly pulled out her revolver. "I will take it from you if I have to." She'd lifted her arm to Shawn's eye level before Shawn finally lowered the knife. His eyes remained locked with Gus' as Joss turned and started towards the stairs. She knew she'd have to get Gus away from Shawn. She'd have to come up with a plan and she'd have to do it soon. She spun around at the sound of weight slamming into the wall. Their bodies were pressed together; Gus' fingers tangled in Shawn's hair, Shawn's hands disappearing under Gus' shirt. Their kiss too desperate and stolen to be gentle; Shawn's movements slightly hesitant as if he was afraid to hurt Gus.

* * *

Shawn ran over the night backward and forward until he was sure he hadn't missed anything. It felt like it'd been forever since he'd had to do this. He was both fearful and proud that it felt so unnatural to him. He'd worn gloves, he'd delayed the alarm system, and the neighboring businesses were closed. He planted drugs in "Rodney's" desk at the risk his death would be further investigated. He'd done well; he'd been quick and efficient. He'd fed Gus some lie about helping Joss move furniture. He only hoped it would take a few weeks for "Rodney" to be missed by whoever had hired him.

He told himself it was necessary, just business. He did what he had to do at the slightest risk "Rodney" would've been a threat. He did it to maintain his cover, no matter what Joss had said.

He closed the car door and pulled out his phone. "It's done. He didn't get a word out."

"I wish you'd waited for me. You couldn't have been sure. He could've been anybody." He could hear the frown in her voice.

"And what if in that time, he outed us? What would we have done then?" He challenged, feeling hot beneath his shirt.

"Then we would've dealt with it. Switched covers; we have everything we need in Seattle."

"No we don't!" he protested and slammed his hand against he steering wheel. He lowered his head on his forearm and tried to figure out why he was so upset. Maybe he'd really gone soft.

"Shawn-" He could hear the sympathy in her voice and it made him want to laugh. She really cared for him and he couldn't understand why.

"He likes it here." He explained resignedly. "He calls our house 'home'. Finally. I'm not- he's not gonna find that in Seattle. I can't keep that if we go to Seattle."

She was silent for a moment before coming to a conclusion. "Shawn, that's you, babe. You're what makes this place feel like home.

Shawn nodded, eying the quiet street. He'd been here too long for comfort. He started the engine, shifting the phone to his shoulder. "Maybe. Listen, I gotta go. We're still on for Friday?"

"Yeah. Looking forward to it." She laughed cheerfully.

"That's so morbid, J." He smiled regardless and pulled onto the street. He had about three miles before he would find his green SUV. "Love you, anyway."

"I know you do."

Shawn entered the house and fell to his knees at the relief he felt. The house smelled like… Gus. He could smell Italian food from the kitchen, the blaring sounds of embarrassing American Duos auditions were coming from the living room and were mingling with the comforting sounds of Gus' laughter. He looked down at his shirt, moist with something he didn't want to have to explain to Gus. He didn't fit here. Not like this, drenched in the smell of blood and gun powder. He hurried into his room to shower.

Gus eyed him knowingly as he left the bedroom in pajamas, hair still damp.

"Hope she was cute." He smirked before returning his attention to the show. Despite his nonchalant attitude, the tension in his posture belied his jealousy. "That's my shirt by the way."

Shawn fingered the Michael Jackson t-shirt before shaking his head and hurrying toward the food, realizing he was starving. He sat down next to Gus on the couch and stuffed himself, watching grown men and women embarrassing themselves on national television. He laid his head on Gus' lap, feeling more content than he had in years. He'd lost himself in his thoughts when he felt Gus' gaze. "Sorry? Did you say something?"

"You okay? You seem… sad." Shawn nodded and started playing with Gus' fingers.

"Yeah, Gus. I'm fine. It's just… something Joss said."

"Can you talk about it?" Gus asked warily.

Shawn started to tell him the truth but decided against it, remembering the look on Gus' face the night he'd told him about Carly. "It's nothing. Really."

Gus looked disappointed but he nodded. "Okay."

He eventually gave in, wanting to hear Gus' response. "Are you- do you feel like you could be happy here?" He asked nervously, linking his fingers through Gus' as a distraction.

"What do you mean?"

"Exactly what I asked." Shawn sat up on the couch, eyes meeting Gus'. "Gus, I'm not going for some roundabout, existential, cosmic answer to enrich my meaningless life. Do you feel like you could be happy here; happy being Mr. Gus Erickson for the rest of my life?" And he silently prayed Gus wouldn't catch the deeper meaning behind that.

"I'm not sure if you're asking me if I'll play house with you forever or if you're trying to convince me to leave." He studied Shawn intently, as if he had suddenly gained the ability to read Shawn.

"It's not so bad, right? You like it here. You like playing house with me." He watched Gus' face for confirmation. "Your job seems like hard work but I already told you, you don't have to work. I could support you for the rest of your life. You wouldn't even have to ask."

"Shawn." Gus sighed, leaning his head back. He could see exactly where this was going and he didn't like it.

"I owe you so much." He climbed into Gus' lap and lifted Gus' head. "I wish I could tell you. I just want to make you happy. We could be happy here." He nodded, seeing the reluctance in Gus' eyes. "You know we could."

Gus opened his mouth to respond, unsure of what to say. He knew there was some truth to Shawn's words but he was so tired of blindly going along with Shawn's plans. He was less sure everyday of why he'd come with Shawn so readily. He started to speak but Shawn beat him to it with a kiss, nipping at his bottom lip. He was nervous at first but his confidence when Gus didn't push him away. Instead, Gus fell back, hesitant hands pulling Shawn's body to his. Driven by the heat of Shawn's skin and the carnal need to feel his pulse beneath his tongue again, Gus let himself be pressed into the couch. Eventually, the awkward angle had Shawn pulling Gus to his feet. He was too pleased Gus was following him to his bedroom, he forgot about the soiled clothes hanging out of his closet.

And as Shawn marked Gus as his own he was almost able to forget that tonight, he'd killed a man.


	6. Chapter 6

Gus wasn't sure if it was the loud crash or the sounds of Shawn hurrying through the house that woke him. He climbed out of bed as silently as he could and hesitantly made his way into the hall. The lights were out save for the sliver underneath the doorway of Shawn's room.

He quietly entered Shawn's room to see the shorter man rushing around the room packing bags, a gun in the back of his jeans. He was yelling into his cell phone and talking about Arizona and train stations. He'd just hung up when he saw Gus. He hurried past, hand on the small of Gus' back as he checked the hallway.

"Shawn, what's going on?" He asked, eyeing the pile of his and Shawn's clothes in the bags. "Why are you packing?"

Shawn stared at him for a moment with a calculating expression on his face. He relaxed and stepped closer to Gus, leaning his forehead to Gus'. "You're scared." He whispered as he made dizzying circles on Gus' lower back. He hated this, he hated himself for doing this. He was used to hopping from cover to cover but Gus wasn't. He knew it was an inevitable possibility before he went to Gus that night but that didn't mean that this hurt any less. He would miss this house and he would miss calling it 'home'. Now that he thought about it, he didn't think he'd planned for what they would've done if the threat had disappeared. Would they have lived here forever or continued running? Would they have eventually gone back to Santa Barbara or would they have made a home somewhere else?

Gus shifted and whispered something into Shawn's ear. "We have to leave."

Shawn allowed himself to comfort Gus for a short moment before pulling back. "Here." He handed Gus a gun, passing a look of solidarity.

Gus nodded numbly and turned, unsure of where he was going. He'd taken two steps before a large weight crashed into his side. He let out a quiet yelp and rolled instinctively to his feet. A dark figure was rolling on the ground, wrestling with Shawn who was calling out to Gus. "Run! Now! Joss is outside."

And if he'd expected Gus to just leave him, he was wrong. He would go get Joss and she'd help, he decided. But as he made his way towards the door, he was stopped by a figure similarly dressed to the one that Shawn was fighting. Gus felt the gun in his hand but it didn't register that he could use it. He stared blankly at the man that stared back.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you." The man had a dark, gravelly voice. He took a step closer to Gus, hands out in front of him. "The people I work for would be very happy for a logical reason to kill you." He nodded towards Shawn and added, "We already have a dozen reasons to bring him back in a body bag."

That made Gus stop. He knew people were looking for Shawn, but they were looking to _kill_? "What?"

The man stopped and stepped forward into the light and Gus noticed he was young, maybe even younger than Shawn. His blue eyes glittered, he smiled brightly, entertained. "He hasn't told you, has he? You don't know what he's done, who he's killed." At Gus blank face, his smile actually dropped. He wasn't quite sympathetic but he wasn't threatening Gus. "Oh come on, man. You haven't asked him why you're running? How do you follow him this far without asking questions? He-"

There was a loud noise and Gus hadn't registered what it meant entirely until the man choked out a mouthful of blood and feel forward, into Gus' arms. Gus paused, expecting him to move because he was still so warm. It took him a while to fully understand what had happened. Shawn had shot him, he'd shot this man, this _kid_. He was just a kid; he didn't even have a gun. He hadn't been trying to hurt Gus, he'd just stood there, he'd just talked. He was just a kid and Shawn had… he'd…. Gus shook his head, unable to move until the weight pulled him down.

Gus staggered to the ground, bearing the kid's cold weight. He turned to see Shawn, gun still raised, eyes black as coal. Gus opened his mouth to speak, to say anything when Joss hurried into the house. Her hair was in disarray and as she entered, she pushed her gun into the back of her jeans. "Okay, the outside is clear, we have to go now." She observed the scene, the immobile body in the corner, the bags strewn across the foyer, Shawn standing to his feet and Gus kneeling on the ground, weighed down by one Kaine's men.

Gus slowly looked up at her, his face smeared with blood, silently asking for help. She tried to meet Shawn's eyes, unsure of what to do. He was too busy gathering their bags and planning the quickest way to get rid of the bodies. "He was just… talking to me." Gus whispered solemnly and for reasons Joss couldn't fathom, he just wasn't willing to let go of the body. He was clutching it now, as if something bad would happen if he let go. As if he needed something to hold onto. And that thought made her sick to her stomach.

"Shawn-" he started to whisper again but Joss interjected, furious with Shawn's inattention.

"Shawn! What the hell is the matter with you?" She hurried to Gus' side, gingerly loosening his hold on the man's body. Gus was still in too much shock to move and she had to practically force him to his feet. "Hey, it's okay. You'll be okay. I need to you to go out to the car and wait for me. We'll take care of this." She pet him on the back as she pushed him towards the door. "Go."

After Gus had fully left the house, Joss marched her way over to Shawn. He was dragging the bodies into a room far off on the other side of the house. She followed him, waiting until she had his full attention to yell at him. When he'd stopped moving and started towards the front of the house again, she let him have it.

"What the fuck was that?" She screamed, slamming Shawn backwards into the wall. Shawn kept quiet, watching as her hands shook. "Shawn!"

He didn't say anything and silently withstood her yelling and shoving until she lost the strength to keep it up. He lowered his gaze to the bags at his feet and tried to breathe. "I can't."

She was still furious with him but she was a little relieved he was finally answering. "You can't what?"

He looked up at her, desperation in his eyes. "I can't do this. I can't keep him. Not if I have to be that person again. I don't want him to have to see me be that person again. I just can't do it-"

"Please tell me you don't mean what I think you mean." She warned, stepping closer.

His gaze travelled to the large bay windows. He actually managed to shrink within himself a little more, appearing completely broken. "I can't do this Joss. I can't-"

"Well you're going to have to!" She screamed, and if Shawn hadn't known better, he could've sworn there were tears in her eyes. She ran a frantic hand through her hair and shook her head. "You're going to have to. You started this and it's too late to back out now. You're in too deep." _I'm in too deep,_ she thought.

Shawn picked up the bags and brushed past her on his way out the back. He knew exactly how this would go and there was nothing, _absolutely nothing_ he could do about it.

* * *

Gus didn't say a word the whole ride to the train station. He made gestures to answer any question and refused to look anyone in the eye. He was nonresponsive to any hug or kiss from Joss and Shawn appeared to be going out of his way not to touch him at all. They brushed shoulders once on Gus' way to the bathroom and Shawn jerked away like he'd been burned. And maybe before, this had been how Joss had wanted it, but now, she didn't know what she wanted.

Shawn's phone rang and he excused himself and left the compartment. Gus barely acknowledged that he'd left.

Joss took the opportunity to sit in the seat next to Gus. She absently started tracing circles on the back of his hand as she contemplated what she felt she had to say.

"Gus, I need to you to look at me." And unlike Shawn, he didn't outright ignore her, but he didn't quite comply. "Please, this is serious." Gus lifted his eyes and eyed her vacantly. "That's better, I guess. Look, Gus, I'm just going to be straight and to the point about this. You have to go. You have to get away from Shawn. He's not safe to be around and he can't protect you. He wants to believe that he can, that he can handle being two different people but he can't. He's falling apart at the seams."

Gus gave no response other than a quick glance at Shawn through the compartment window. "Gus? Can you say something? Anything?"

It was a moment before Gus spoke. His voice was rough from not speaking for so long. "I'm having a really hard time… dealing with anything right now. I'm trying to get over the fact that I watched a kid get killed right in front of me. I watched him die; I got _covered _in his blood. And you two act like it's no big deal. Like that kind of thing happens every day. Well, it doesn't. Not to me. I feel… _nothing_. At all. I sat there holding him and I couldn't feel anything. Joss." He finally met her eyes, though the desperate need for answers made her wish she hadn't. "What kind of monster does that make me?"

"Gus," she started before Shawn entered the compartment again.

He eyed them curiously, their linked hands and the guilt in Joss' expression. "We'll get there soon, only two more stops." He sat down in Joss' previous seat, attention solely on his phone. "If you two can stop holding hands long enough to change into some clothes that don't smell like blood, that'd be great."

Joss started to stand when she felt Gus grip her wrist. "Don't go." She started to object, feeling Shawn's glare on her back. "Just stay, for ten more minutes?"

And for what was about to happen, she felt she could at least give him this. She smiled gently and sat down, ignoring the clear anger on Shawn's face. If Gus could ignore it, she could too. After a while, she stood and pulled Gus along with her, two shirts in her hands. She changed and let Gus in after her, returning to her seat, alone.

"Shawn-"

He cut her off with a cold laugh. "Don't. You don't have to explain; I heard it all from outside. You know, you're not as secretive as you think. I just don't get what your intentions are. You convince me to stay with Gus but the fucking second I turn my back, you try to get him to leave me. What's your game?"

"I want to protect him. He's a good person, Shawn. I would've never done this if I had someone like him behind me. I understand what you did." She conceded, listening for Gus' return. Shawn responded with another laugh. "But I don't condone it. I think you're a selfish asshole and you took him because you were afraid of dying alone."

"I'm not-" Shawn started to object.

"But now that you've seen what this will do to him, you want to take it back. They knew he was here and they'll use him to get to you." She sat back, her dark hair covering her expression. And even in his anger, Shawn couldn't deny her beauty. "I needed you to get him on this train. And at this point, he won't keep going without you."

Shawn nodded, curiously. "Probably not."

Joss leaned forward, her eyes glinting with confidence. "But know this, the second I can, I will use everything I can to get him away from you. I won't let you destroy him." She sat back again and lowered her voice as Gus started back to their compartment. "No more than you already have."

As Gus at down again, she gripped his hand firmly in hers. Their hands stayed that way just as Shawn's body remained tense. And after Gus had fallen asleep, Shawn matched Joss' possessive gaze for the rest of the trip.

* * *

Shawn's new cover didn't account for them to be roommates. He'd scored two apartments across from each other; a two bedroom and a one bedroom. Joss was supposed to act as Shawn's sister and Gus would live across the hall in the one bedroom. Somehow, Shawn ended up in the one bedroom, alone and Gus and Joss settled in the two bedroom. Shawn would've argued had it not been for Gus' insistence that he live with her.

They still hadn't said a word to each other since that night. Joss had gone inside to scan the apartment for bugs, leaving Gus outside on the steps. Shawn sat down next to him, glancing at him from time to time.

He was reminded of the Saturday they'd spent inside the house. They had planned to spend that day training outside but a surprise thunderstorm had interrupted. Shawn had been shifting closer and closer to Gus on the couch until he ended up pressed against Gus' hip. He didn't remember what his plan had been; if he'd intended to push for more from their relationship or if he'd just wanted to feel that close to Gus again. Whatever his plan had been, he'd felt content just being there with Gus without the stress of posturing at the risk that anyone was watching. That was the day he'd fallen asleep to the sounds of _The Justice League_ and the feel of Gus' fingers running through his hair.

Eventually, Gus spoke. "Shawn, I don't hate you."

"I know you don't. But I'm not your favorite person right now and I get that." Shawn admitted.

"You scared me that night and now I don't know how to be around you anymore." Gus explained.

Shawn nodded and buried his face in Gus' shoulder. He breathed in the scent of vanilla and wished things hadn't turned out the way they had. "I'm sorry. It's probably best that we don't live together right now."

"Probably."

"Yeah."

They sat there alone on the steps for half an hour before Shawn stood up. "I have to take care of some business." He grinned and turned back to Gus. "It was nice meeting you, Gus."

"You too, Shawn."


	7. Chapter 7

Ch.7

He'd expected the neighbors to talk. Rather than force Gus to pretend they were strangers to each other, they played under the guise that they were old friends, Matt and James, that decided to be neighbors. Joss took the role of Gus' fiancé, Marissa, fresh out of grad school. It was a risky cover with a lot of details to maintain but Shawn would put up with it as long as Gus was happy. And he was, apparently. He'd even begun talking to Shawn again after two weeks of living across the hall.

The distance still hurt. Instead of being a mere few feet away from him, Gus was further away now. And this was made even more painful by the passing comments he heard in the hallway about the sweet couple down the hall. Shawn maintained that it wouldn't have been as agonizing if Joss refrained from playing her part so thoroughly.

Whereas Shawn and Gus had maintained a politely, yet affectionate distance in public, Joss had no limits. He couldn't be sure if she was trying to further pull Gus away from him or if she was just out to hurt him. If they went anywhere together, Joss would permanently latch on to his arm. They'd gone out to the local shopping center to replenish their wardrobe and she'd insisted Shawn carry the bags so she could hold Gus' hand. And he could've sworn on his disputed life she waited until he was watching to caress Gus' hand.

Whenever they were introduced to anyone new, she'd boast about their engagement and proudly show off her ring. She'd insisted on hosting a "New to the Building" party, inviting Shawn at Gus' insistence. At his expense, she'd introduced him as 'Gus' oldest _friend_', belittling his title as much as possible. Her bubbly, animated personality kept anyone from thinking too much on it. Gus included.

Shawn feared staying anywhere near them for longer than a few moments. Joss would run her hands down Gus' sides and kiss him so softly, the hesitation turned a knife in Shawn's stomach. And God forbid they get invited to a neighbor's apartment, she'd limit herself only to completely straddling Gus' lap. Those kisses, those deep searching kisses with her roaming, ringed fingers made Shawn wish he'd never taught Gus to play along so well. He'd return every kiss in full, occasionally he even initiated them, his hands on the delicate small of her back. And if he ever went so far as to trail his hands down to her hips, she'd let out this sort of, soft sigh and- Shawn couldn't take it anymore. If he'd felt bad about lying to her about Bailey, those feelings were gone. Especially now that Joss had taken to touching Gus anytime she felt like it, even when they weren't simply keeping face.

And he'd been ready to refuse the invitation to the sweet married couple down the hall had Gus not chosen that day to ask Shawn personally. He'd been avoiding the sickeningly sweet couple as often as possible. But avoiding Joss meant avoiding Gus and now that they were speaking again, well Shawn wasn't strong enough to give up all contact together. The relaxed grin on Gus' face made his worries seem fleeting and moronic. And he'd already nodded his answer when he noticed the love bite on Gus' neck. He followed Gus to his apartment like a death row inmate to his execution. He prayed there would be alcohol.

"Hey, babe. I picked out some stuff to wear but I wasn't sure if you wanted to coordinate or what." Joss was calling out from a room as they entered. Upon seeing Shawn, her smile morphed into one of victorious satisfaction. "Hey, Shawn. It's been a while." Her sharp teeth glinted threateningly. This was fun for her.

Shawn shrugged and lowered his gaze to his feet. He knew this was for the best but slowly, his voice of reason had been losing its power. He was seconds away from grabbing Gus and dragging him far, far away. "Yeah, it has. I've been busy."

Joss sat down on the couch, sheathed in a form fitting blue dress. "I'll bet." She smiled at Gus and continued. "You should get dressed, we have to go soon."

Gus nodded and at Shawn's disbelief, headed into the room Joss had left earlier. Shawn shuffled over to sit on the far end of the couch. "So, sharing a room."

Her smile fell, only a fraction. "Yeah. Seemed to fit." She started playing absently with her dress. Her eyelashes fanned out across her cheeks and she appeared younger. Shawn wasn't sure if it was her makeup or the relaxed expression on her face. His heart fell as he realized that Joss was happy, truly happy.

"I should've known better than to underestimate your… _influence_." Shawn finished with a suggestive glare.

"I'm not sleeping with him, if that's what you're getting at." She eyed Shawn warily, almost regretfully. "I've gone no farther than you have."

Shawn shook his head and leaned close enough to whisper, "You sure? I've never seen him act that way and you've wasted no time in getting your hands all over him."

Joss started to object, "Shawn, I've had to-"

"And don't say it's all for cover. I know exactly what you're doing. I just don't get why it took you so long to go through with it."

She lifted her gaze and Shawn could see that her eyes were clear and honest, if not a little regretful. "There's nothing to get. He wouldn't have come if it weren't for you and you're what's keeping him here." Gus stepped into the room again, wearing Shawn's favorite blue shirt. She stood and added, "Is it such a surprise I don't always get what I want?"

* * *

Gus held Joss' hand as they entered the apartment but his attention was on Shawn's expression. "Hey, are you okay?" Joss glanced at him quickly before excusing herself to go help Kate with the food. Gus followed Shawn into the living room. "What's up?"

Shawn avoided his gaze, choosing to instead study the fading marks on Gus' neck. "Nothing. I'm fine. I'm just a little tired." Sensing he wasn't being very convincing, he changed the subject. "How's your training going?"

He looked as if he was going to challenge Shawn before responding. "Fine, I guess. Great, actually. She's been very patient with me." Joss caught his eye from the kitchen and smirked secretively before turning back to Kate's conversation. _You can't fake it that well,_ Shawn thought. "I feel like I can actually do this now."

"Yeah?" Shawn asked, swallowing thickly. Gus nodded tentatively, his eyes sliding over to Joss in the kitchen. "How are things… with your cover?"

"I don't know, Joss is amazing." _How vague, _Shawn thought.

"That she is, Gus." Shawn picked up a magazine from the coffee table and pretended to read it. "She is definitely that."

Joss wandered over and sat down on Gus' lap gracefully. She buried her face into Gus' chest, closing her eyes and sighing sleepily. She yawned and mumbled something presumably adorable into Gus' ear. "Yeah, we can go whenever you want." He conceded, his hand finding its way onto her waist. The childish, selfish part of Shawn wanted nothing more than to shove her off of Gus, grab him, start running and never look back. Anything to get away from watching them look more perfect and together than Shawn ever had with Gus.

Joss shook her head and sat up. "No, that's rude. I can hold out until after appetizers. And if not, Shawn can cover for us." She met his eyes defiantly, her jade eyes flashing daringly. "Right, Shawn?"

"Yeah. Of course." He agreed before standing and joining the rest of the party. He made his way over to Kate and leaned against the counter. He pointed at the tray of appetizers. "Can I have one?"

Kate nodded, a friendly smile on her face. "Help yourself." She nodded at Gus and Joss a few feet away. "They're a cute couple, aren't they?"

Shawn grinned, flashing his teeth. "The cutest."

"Marissa says you've been James' best friend practically from birth. You must be so happy for him." She finished setting up the trays. She started to carry them into the dining area, asking Shawn for assistance.

They passed the pair on the couch, now cheerfully laughing together, Joss' eyes shining brightly as she concluded her story. Gus added something and Joss' eyes crinkled at the edges as she laughed before pecking him briefly on the lips. Her hands came up to Gus' face and, as if on cue, their eyes closed and their lips met. Shawn's hands started to shake at the sight of Joss' clever tongue blending into their kiss. He almost lost his hold on the trays at Joss' soft sigh as her body appeared to melt into Gus'.

Shawn felt like a voyeur, like this was too private for him to witness. They fit too flawlessly together, his hands on her waist and her hips against his; it was all too… perfect, complementary. Too believable to be scripted, to be acting, to be fake.

"How long have they been together?" Kate asked cheerily, oblivious to the heartache in Shawn's expression. It seemed impossible but there was no other explanation. Shawn set the trays down on the table, his eyes on Joss' ringed finger.

"I don't know." He answered, feeling the truth in his words.

* * *

Shawn spent the rest of the night avoiding Gus' eyes. Even when the older man asked him a direct question, he refused to look up. Any time he gave in, his eyes found the love bites trailing down Joss' neck, or their locked hands on the table or the brightness of Joss' smile whenever Gus looked to her. He felt sick to his stomach and so close to the point of losing it when Joss excused them to leave.

He watched them leave, Gus' hand on the small of her back. He barely responded to Gus' farewell as they left. He'd seen that predatory expression on Joss' face before and he knew the next time he would see Gus, it would be too late. He remained seated, reaching back briefly to feel the gun in his waistband.

*

Joss guided Gus into the apartment, her hands pulling at his shirt. She only had tonight, this was her last chance. Shawn wouldn't hold off for long, he knew her all too well. She sucked at the skin beneath his jaw and jerked Gus' shirt from his slacks. In some ways, the comfort she felt in his touch hurt more than the feel of his hands, heavy and gentle against her skin. She covered his ears with her palms as she kissed him, drawing his tongue into her mouth. Every brush of silk cloth seemed heightened and she couldn't hold back a plea for Gus to hurry.

They danced their way to the edge of the couch, Gus' hands never leaving her waist. His shirt came off and her dress was lowered. They pressed together, bare skin against bare skin, a small moan escaping her lips. "Gus," she breathed, as he smoothly lifted her onto the edge of the couch. Her hands had reached Gus' belt when he pulled back. "What are we doing?" she breathed, confused and Gus stole one more kiss before answering.

"Not thinking. We're not thinking," he nipped as her throat once again before continuing. "And we're not talking." Joss reached up, wrapping her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist. With no prompting from her end, he carried her into their bedroom.

Her dress fell fluidly to the floor beside their bed and Joss climbed atop, straddling his waist. She traced a trail of gentle bites down his chest. She threaded her fingers through his and brought his hands up to cover her breasts. Her head fell back and she started to ask, "Did you and Shawn ever do this?"

Gus shook his head and flipped them over, maneuvering her arms above her head. "Not talking." He settled between her legs, trailing his hands from her knees to her inner thighs. She arched her back in anticipation, wanting everything at once.

"Now." She gasped and spread her legs wider. "Please."

* * *

Joss opened her eyes to see it was still dark out. She had to go now if she wanted to avoid hurting Gus. She turned and watched as he slept, his arms enveloping her. She trailed her fingertips down his side and allowed herself to place a kiss to his lips. She carefully lifted his arm and rolled out of bed, gathering her clothes as she went.

She pulled her phone out and dialed Shawn's number. "Hey, Shawn. Bailey called and said he wanted to meet us at the docks in an hour. We should go now." She took a deep breath and tried to calm herself.

*

"Hey," she greeted nervously. Something was off on Shawn's expression. She shook it off and started past him down the stairs, slightly comforted as he followed. They were just around the corner when Shawn stopped. She paused, drawing her gun as she spun around. Shawn was staring her down, cold and calculated expression, his gun raised to eye level.

"What's going on?"

Shawn shook his head and bit back the urge to laugh. "I figured you out, weeks ago. I didn't know for sure, I was never absolutely sure until tonight. I just didn't understand why you'd do it, why you'd go so far to betray me." He tilted his head and eyed her hastily fastened clothes and her messy hair. "You slept with him didn't you? God, you really have no limit, do you?"

Joss denied it, her eyes pleading, her gun lowering. "Shawn, I didn't. You've got it all wrong. I would never-"

"I never called Bailey. I never told him I was running." Her mouth snapped closed and she dropped her gaze.

"But you- you had all of the paperwork. How would you've gotten it if you hadn't of told Bailey." She demanded, her eyes wide and disbelieving.

Shawn grimaced and responded, "I killed him." He stepped closer to her and shrugged his shoulders. "So you see, there's no possible way for him to have called you."

"I don't understand." She fell to her knees, her head in her hands. When she looked up moments later, tears freely fell from her green eyes. Running a hand through her hair, she lifted her head. "Shawn, you have to listen to me! I didn't want to but they were going to kill me."

"I would've helped you before you agreed to help me and endangered Gus' life!" He exclaimed, towering over her. There was so much to hate about her yet he couldn't help but feel sorry for this shaking figure at his feet. "They didn't make you do that; that was all you."

She struggled to stand to her feet and wiped her eyes. "I didn't do that hurt you. Honest, I didn't."

He hovered closer to her, his stomach turning at the smell of sex lingering around her. "You tried to take him away from me."

"From me!" She screamed, shoving at him angrily. "I wanted him away from me. I never wanted to hurt him. He wasn't going to leave you alone. I did everything I could to keep him safe. We were going to run." She explained, holding herself tightly.

Shawn's hand wavered as he tried to understand. "He wanted to leave?"

She nodded eagerly. "Yeah. He said that he wanted to tell you himself but I told him not to. You would've never let him leave." Shawn blinked, hearing an almost silent footfall from around the corner too late after the gun sounded. Things had just gotten entirely too complicated.

Shawn turned around slowly to see Gus watching, stunned, as Joss fell to the ground.


	8. Chapter 8

_ Shawn took a deep breath and circled Gus' dorm room. He had to make sure everything was absolutely perfect; this was the last night, his last chance. After this, he'd never be the Shawn that Gus had come to know and love. He'd be forever changed, forever a strange translation of the man he'd once been. _

_ He sat down on the neatly ironed bedspread and leaned back with a sigh. Gus belonged here surrounded by stressed out honors students and empty pizza boxes. He needed the structure, the routine, the monotonous life he'd fought so hard to get Shawn to want. Shawn just knew Gus would make it out with a respectable degree and the perfect girl. She'd be beautiful with a delicate name like Lily or Grace; Gus would be whipped in no time. They'd get married and but the perfect house but not with a white picket fence because Gus had always had an irrational fear of those things. And Shawn would visit every few months to make sure that he was okay. That he was happy. But mostly to make sure Gus hadn't forgotten him._

_ Shawn turned his head and gently touched the glass framed picture of him and Gus at their high school graduation. Gus had dark circles under his eyes because he'd spent that entire week making nice with Shawn's teachers so they wouldn't fail him out of pure dislike. Still, the smile on Gus' face was brighter than ever. They'd made all kinds of plans that day. Gus had it in his head that he was going to plan out the rest of their lives. It nearly broke his heart when Shawn told him he wasn't going to college. That he would rather travel the world for a few years but he wished Gus all the best._

_ Tonight would be the first night he'd seen Gus in a year. It had been one long, torturous and lonely year across the universe. Shawn closed his eyes and breathed in the familiar smell of Gus. When he'd first entered the moonlit room, he'd almost fell to his knees with the how intensely he felt at home. He'd stood there for a moment trying to convince himself it would be possible to find a way to stay with Gus and never leave. He'd spend his years running from town to town with Gus at his side. Sure it'd be dangerous and tiring but they'd be fine because they'd be together. And everything was better with Gus. But even he was able to see how stupid that suggestion sounded. _

_ The sound of jingling metal and a key sliding into a keyhole caught Shawn's attention. He sat up to see Gus enter the room, arms weighed down with textbooks. He was too preoccupied with managing to carry his million books and closing the door with his foot to notice Shawn on his bed. He finally got the door closed when one of the heaviest texts feel and landed on his foot. "Shit." He hissed, hopping over to the bed and dropping the rest of the load on Shawn's shadowed form._

_ "Ow! Dude, what the hell?" Shawn exclaimed, rubbing at a surely developing bruise on his knee. _

_ Gus gasped and stumbled backwards into the desk chair before falling onto the floor. _

_ "Smooth, Guster. I see you haven't lost your dazzling coordination." He stood up and pulled Gus up from the carpet and into a tight hug. He buried his face in Gus' neck, admiring the way the stubble on his face tickled Gus' skin. "I've missed you buddy."_

_ Gus nodded silently, squeezing Shawn tighter to his chest. They swayed slightly on their feet for a few minutes before Gus pulled back, a solemn look on his face. "Where have you been?"_

_ Shawn lowered his eyes, unable to see the unrestrained pain in Gus' eyes. Ever since they were kids, Gus had been horrible at hiding his emotion and Shawn hated it. He picked at the pristine comforter on the bed and refused to look up. "Around. All over, really." _

_ Gus sighed and sat down in the desk chair. He couldn't keep his eyes of off Shawn. He couldn't believe the man was actually here in his dorm room. He was surprised to realize that he actually felt guilty. After just one year of college, he'd made friends, joined an a capella group, and succeeded and maintained a top spot in his class. All the while trying to forget about the fact that his best friend had deliberately chosen to miss the million firsts Gus had experienced in favor of traveling the world blindly. He'd worked so hard to forget about Shawn and seeing him here, now, in his room… Gus realized he'd only succeeded in preserving every memory of Shawn he'd ever cataloged. It was saddening; it was pathetic; it was so Gus-like. _

_ "Okay." Gus began reluctantly. "Why are you here now?" He watched as Shawn barely lifted his head before settling back unresponsive. He lay there for a few minutes before sitting up._

_ "Gus, I missed you." He said simply, standing up and crossing the room to the place Gus sat. He shifted from foot to foot awkwardly, as if he was waiting for Gus to say something. Finally, he sunk to his knees, gazing up at the older man. Gus shook with the fear and unwavering apprehension in Shawn's wide eyes. Shawn's hands shivered as he slowly reached up to cup Gus' face. Neither of them made a sound and neither made a move to stop the chain reaction that led to Gus' lips meeting Shawn's and the eventual shifting that put Shawn in Gus' lap. _

_ Touching every part of Gus that he could reach, Shawn tried to breathe through the heavy weight in his chest and throat. He blinked his eyes closed and swallowed through the pain. This was his last night, this was it, this was the last part of Gus he could have. He rose up, kneeling on the edge of the chair and deepened the kiss, sliding his tongue past Gus' teeth. They'd never done this before and Shawn was almost glad they hadn't. He'd missed so many of Gus' firsts that it made sense that he would be this one. He held Gus tight to his body and tried to ignore the shivering of his body. With a sickeningly slow slide of his hips against Gus', Shawn drew a gasp from Gus' lips. Gus' hands dropped to Shawn's hips as he matched the rhythm until Shawn had to bury his face in Gus' neck to keep from screaming. _

_ Lifting his head, Shawn met Gus' dark eyes. "I missed you." He gasped as the well placed pace kept him on edge. "Isn't that enough?" He then bit his lip and stood up, pulling Gus along with him into bed. He hadn't been Gus' first kiss, but he could be this first._

_*_

_ Gus awoke the next morning alone in bed. He remembered that Shawn had been there, that they'd fallen into bed together. But the lingered smell of Shawn's skin and the disarray of his desk didn't do much to convince Gus he hadn't made the whole thing up._

_*_

_ Shawn sat in his car for three hours trying to see past the tears blurring his vision. Some part of his brain refused to believe that he would never see Gus again but he knew the chances were slim. He'd made his bed and now he would be forced to lie in it. Alone._

_ It was for the best that he never saw Gus again. He would be safer that way. He regretted leaving Gus so soon after… he knew he would be angry. Maybe he would never want to speak to Shawn again. And that was good. Anger was good. Gus wouldn't bother looking for him and get himself into trouble searching after a wanted man. The people he worked for would eat Gus alive._

_ Yes, everything was better this way. The less Gus knew, the better. _

_

* * *

_

_This wasn't what Shawn had in mind when he'd signed up. Sure his vision of action-packed missions and hot girls was a little exaggerated, if not completely false. He'd planned for nights full of paperwork and occasional days spent bored to death in conference rooms. He hadn't planned for this conversation at all. _

_ Bailey stared him down, utter condescension on his face. "They must be eliminated. Do I make myself clear?"_

_ Shawn swallowed thickly and stood from his chair. His hand slyly reached for the phone in his pocket. "Crystal."_

_ He left the room and called Joss as soon as he was out of earshot. "Joss.__ I have to run."_

_Her breath sounded like static on the other end. "Run? From what?"_

"_This."_

_She sighed and Shawn could almost see her running a tired hand through her hair. "Shawn, if this is all some metaphorical fantasy or whatever, can you save it for a time when I don't have some guy's brain dripping down a wall in front of me?"_

"_It's not metaphorical, it's literal. I have to go now. Don't ask me why. I told Bailey. He knows why I'm running."_

"_Shawn-"_

"_I need you and if you're not going to help me… then quit wasting my time." He hung up and opened his car door. He knew what he'd have to do. _

_

* * *

_

_Shawn cocked his gun as he stepped over the two bodies he'd disarmed. He was almost certain they were unconscious but he didn't have time to check. He cautiously opened the door and leaned against the adjacent wall. He listened for the sounds of any back up men and debated once more if he was doing the right thing. _

_ He loved his job, despite the unfortunate tasks that came with it. He's been feeling so lost and desolate lately. Joss was the only thing that stood out among the grey. Joss and the distant, untainted memory of Gus. He resigned himself and made his way, determined and sure down the hallway. If he couldn't do this for himself, he'd do it for Gus._

_ He carefully opened the door to the silent, dimly lit office. He was aware that what he was about to do would change not only his life, but Gus' as well, probably forever. What he was about to do would have insurmountable consequences he wouldn't be able to comprehend. What he was about to do would ultimately destroy the last-_

_ "Mr. Spencer! So nice to see you." Isaac Bailey stood from his desk, a calculated glare on his face. _

_His white hair had the unfortunate quality of making him appear gentle and kind. They'd never belie the horrible actions this man had performed and facilitated. This man that had taught Shawn everything he hadn't learned from Henry. This man that had tried to force Shawn to kill whole families, small children… pregnant women. Shawn tightened his grip on his gun and lifted his gaze to meet Bailey's eyes._

"_I don't think so." Shawn shook his head and resigned himself to try at least once more. "I'd hoped you'd changed your mind about sending me to Michigan."_

_Bailey's eyebrow twitched and a smile molded his face. "Ah, I see. Well you already know my feelings on the matter. I've not changed my mind, nor will I ever in the near future. You'd do better to run along like a good worker bee and do as you're told."_

_Shawn nodded absently, his eyes scanning the file cabinet behind Bailey. Before, when Bailey had threatened Shawn with the truth of his past, Shawn had watched him put his and Gus' file into the third drawer from the right. Bailey was a paranoid bastard and trapped in the past. He refused to keep electronic records of anything, least a computer error be the cause of his death. There would only be one copy. This would be so easy if he could pull it off._

_The office seemed to float away as flashes of Gus' face ran through his mind. If he closed his eyes, he'd be able to feel the heat of Gus' skin, the sound and thud of his heartbeat in Shawn's ears, the sound of his laugh in a quiet room. He was doing this for Gus, he was doing this to protect Gus from what he'd done. From what he was about to do._

_Shawn lifted the gun, and shot Bailey in the heart in one clean shot. He found himself muttering an apology as he circled the desk. He clawed at the cabinet drawers in vain, too panicked to think clearly and contemplate about the location of the key. He willed his heart to slow and returned to Bailey's body. He carefully dug through the elder man's coat pockets for any sign of metal. It was only after several, silent and dreaded minutes that he found the small godsend hidden in the lining of Bailey's coat. Tears of relief fell down his cheeks as he pulled out the two files. _

_He tucked his gun in his back pocket and ran as fast as he could through the back doors of the CIA headquarters._

_

* * *

  
_

Shawn was powerless to stop Gus from running to Joss' body. He pulled off his shirt and held it to the gunshot wound. Gus was trembling and his panicked breathing sounded harsh on Shawn's ears. He blinked rapidly and tried to come up with the best plan of operation here.

Gus lifted Joss carefully into his lap and held the shirt to what he believed to be the source of the blood. "Joss, can you hear me? Wake up, please wake up. I'm going to get you to a hospital." He brushed the hair away from her face with such unwavering tenderness Shawn had to lower his gaze. "Can you open your eyes for me? Joss?"

Shawn knew they'd have to leave, now. He'd made as many arrangements as possible after Joss had called, knowing he'd have to move Gus as soon as possible. He took cautious steps towards Gus and the parallel image of Gus that night at their home holding another lifeless body. He'd done this to him twice.

Steadying his voice, Shawn lowered himself to Gus' eye line and tried to pull Joss out of his arms. "Gus, you have to let her go."

Gus shook his head stubbornly and held on tighter. His hands were bloodstained and drawn taught around Joss' shoulders. Shawn pulled as hard as he could, forcing Gus to let go of her body. "Shawn! Let me go! We have to go back!" He pushed as hard as he could at Shawn's grip. He shoved and clawed, trying to get back to where Joss lay, still on the ground. Shawn locked his arms around Gus' weight and held on, his heart breaking even more at every scratch of Gus' nails.

Seeing that this wasn't going to end anytime soon, Shawn reluctantly pulled the syringe from his back pocket. He injected the sedative into Gus' neck and carefully hefted him over his shoulder. He buckled Gus into the back seat of the SUV and as he drove away, he ignored the hollow feel of his throat.


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I want to say thanks to all the people that have read and commented on my story. I really appreciate the feedback you've given. The next part of this story is the Epilogue and I'm debating on whether or not to create a sequel. Thanks so much and here is Chapter 9.

* * *

Halfway there, Shawn took the time to really comprehend what he was about to do. He'd spent so much time lately just making blind decisions, not planning out the best courses of action. He couldn't blame Gus for any of it, but he knew he was the reason he hadn't been thinking clearly. Obviously he hadn't minded enough to change his mindset. It had begun this way and it would end just the same.

He looked back at Gus in the backseat and was surprised at the wave of nostalgia washing over him. For so long, Gus had been everything to him. His best friend, his brother, his conscience, the first and probably the last love of his life. Every huge moment of his life had occurred with Gus by his side. The first scavenger hunt he'd won in fourth grade. The first time he'd ever stood up to his father. His fourth kiss, because Gus hadn't had enough sense to steal the first. Gus had always been there until Shawn had decided him being there wasn't enough for him anymore. His presence had become insufficient and Shawn was too scared to ask for what he really wanted. Too scared of what it meant.

Shawn shook his head, the road blurring slightly. Gus had been there at some of the worst moments of his life too. He'd held Shawn's hand when they were curled up together in his closet listening to his parents fighting. Shawn had fallen asleep on his shoulder in the hospital room after Henry had been shot. He'd taken Shawn out for his seventeenth birthday, unaware that Shawn had been more upset over Gus' decision to spend the summer away from him, than his expected break-up with Elizabeth Linquinst

Gus hadn't been there when Shawn's mother left. He'd been halfway across the country at an internship for some honors student program and Shawn had been too proud to call. He'd come back three weeks later, reeling with stories of the fun he'd had and the people he'd met. Shawn let him talk and talk for hours, knowing all the while that Gus had noticed all of his mother's things were missing and decided not to mention it. He'd known and decided not too long after to spend every other night at Shawn's house. Until it wasn't so noticeable that she was missing. Gus took care of him as subtly as he could; he taught him to do his own laundry, how to make more than cereal and spaghetti for dinner, and how to mend his own clothes. If it didn't sound like a Freudian complex, Shawn could admit that for a short while, Gus had been his mother.

He wanted to tell him why he'd done it, why he'd dragged Gus into this mess. Why it wasn't enough for him to steal Gus from his stable life, he had to kill the only other person he'd been allowed to trust.

"Gus, Gus are you awake?" He shot the sleeping figure a few glances before returning to the road. "Part of me wants to tell you what I've done and another part of me is scared of what you'll do. I can't lose you… because you're pretty much all I have left. And I need you to know that… everything that I did was to protect myself or to protect you. I need you to understand that I would stop at nothing to stop anyone from ever hurting you.

"I was sleeping my way through Canada, take that however you want, when I ran into this woman at a library of all places. And she was beautiful, I mean it, Gus. She had long, thick red hair and her smile actually had to power to render me speechless. She invited me out to a diner and we had one of the most… random conversations in the world. It was kind of like those sleepovers we used to have and we'd cover everything from Thundercats to Paula Abdul before my dad would come in and yell at us to go to sleep. I remember falling in love with her minute by minute and… now that I think about it, I'm sure I fell in love with the pieces of her that reminded me of you. We started to spend time together and I fell harder and harder the more we did. We were as serious as we could be- as I could be. I still missed you; I was still in love with you and trying to ignore it. She was the perfect distraction-"

"Was?" Gus asked, his voice gravelly with sleep. "What happened?"

"She disappeared. I woke up one morning, alone in bed. All of her things were gone, there was no note. I asked around, filed reports. Nobody could find anything, and eventually they gave up; but I couldn't. I searched for the better part of a year. I was just about to give up when I found her in New York. I was following a pretty unreliable lead when I saw her, she'd dyed her hair brown and she'd been living in a studio apartment. It was a week before I managed the courage to talk to her. I asked her why she'd left, why she hadn't even said goodbye but she wouldn't answer.

"I told her I was leaving and booked a hotel room. I followed her for a few weeks and I put it all together. The secret meetings, the hidden weapons, the empty apartments… at the time it sounded farfetched. I thought I was making too much out of nothing but I confronted her about it. She cried and tried to push me away. She told me to leave, that it would be dangerous if the people she worked for found out that I knew." Shawn laughed and Gus could hear the sadness in his tone.

"I wanted to help her. I wanted so badly to hear that she would come away with me, that she'd try… for me. She promised she would and we… were together that night. I left her alone to pack and that was the last time I saw her alive. I came back the next day, worried that she hadn't called me and I found her there."

"Shawn," Gus started, his eyes meeting Shawn's in the rearview mirror.

"I stayed with her for a while before calling for help. I bought one of those police scanners, hoping to hear anything about what happened to her. I realize now how stupid that was. The people that killed her were a part of something so big, so large, even if the police had found out, they would've been let go. I started traveling again, I met… I met Joss at a truckstop in Minnesota. She was chatting up this trucker, trying to get a ride, but he wouldn't budge. He left and I offered to give her a ride, I didn't know then, but I gave her a ride to a job. She called me up a few weeks later to go out to dinner, she told me what she did for a living and suggested I come check it out." He shook his head and lowered his voice.

"You have to understand Gus, I was in a bad place. Every night, when I closed my eyes, I saw her, Jessica, Isabelle, I never even knew her name. I was hurting so badly that I… I just thought if I hurt someone else for a while, I'd feel better. It'd hurt less."

Gus was silent for a moment before prompting him to go on.

"I met with Bailey; he didn't have a title. I knew he was some part of the CIA; a bad part. Joss had warned me the son of a bitch didn't hire anyone with a conscience a borderline suicidal mindset. Bailey hired you for jobs nobody else would take. They weren't all hits; some of them were rescue missions or retrieval missions. I got my first kill two years after I'd joined. I was in too deep and I didn't wanna quit.

"I came to see you, the night before. I just wanted to see you, through clear eyes, before," He trailed off, remembering that night. "You were so… innocent; I couldn't believe it. You hadn't changed at all; you smelled the same, looked the same, and sounded the same. I wasn't supposed to spend the night, and I wished I hadn't for so long after. It was like being confronted with every pain I'd felt since I'd left Santa Barbara. Every fucking beautiful, pure, unfiltered pain and I couldn't move. I couldn't move and I couldn't breathe, I lied there awake for hours before I left.

"I convinced myself that you hated me and then it was a lot easier to leave. To meet Joss, make up an excuse about where I'd been and do my job. The man was a con artist; he'd scammed two single mothers into their deaths and out of privileged information. Joss came with me, made it less of a big deal. She stayed with me the night after. Joss used sex as a band-aid, then. And I was willing to let her. I thought of you the whole time and it got easier still.

"I'd been working with Bailey for a little more than two years, coming back every five months to check on you, make sure you were okay. I came back from California one day to the job I didn't know I'd been waiting for. He'd been investigating the men that had organized _her_ death. He'd finally found a lead and he knew I'd jump at the chance to take it. He'd found the location of one of the men and he wanted me to clean up the place.

"I went alone, snuck inside and waited. A woman and two children came home in the afternoon, talking about some soccer game and, Gus, they sounded so cheerful, so happy and I couldn't do it. I lied to Bailey and told him the guy must've been spooked and left. He punished me for it, sent me on more and more jobs to kill. I sucked it up, like a good little worker bee, for a while anyway. Until it became too much for me.

"I tried to run away, made the mistake of not trusting Joss enough to tell her first. Bailey found me, a few states away and called his men to take me back. I came to strapped to a chair in his office with a file in front of my face. He flipped it open and your face was staring back at me. It wasn't an old photo either. You were on campus, surrounded by people I'd seen that night and the few other times I'd spied on you." He met the frozen gaze staring back at him in mirror. "Gus, I saw the look on his face. He didn't have to speak; I knew what he was getting at. If I disobeyed him again, if I tried to run again, he would find you, and he would kill you. Or worse yet, he would make me do it. I left that day determined that no matter who it was or what I would have to do, I would do it. I left to see you every chance I got after. And if I saw one of Bailey's men, I guaranteed he didn't live to tell about it. It got easier every time.

"I'd been cooperating with Bailey, swallowing my tongue when he told me he'd found that man's family again. The wife had been spotted coming out of an obstetrician's clinic in Omaha and Bailey said he'd known I'd beg for the chance to take the job. He gave me the file and sent me on my way. I was fine for a couple of hours before it hit me, really hit me. I locked myself in my room and drank myself into a coma, knowing that I was stuck. I couldn't go through with it, but I couldn't just let you… I couldn't think of a way out, until I did.

"I knew that if I ki- took care of Bailey, I- we would be free. We would be safe. I felt so bad, so guilty for getting you into this with me. Just because I knew you, just because I loved you, he knew he could use you to control me. And he was right." He refused to take his eyes off of the road, afraid of what Gus would say.

"What did you do?"

"I… I snuck into his office and I killed him. I stole my file and I ran. I called Joss, I lied to her and I came and got you. I've been running ever since." He blinked and ignored the tears falling from his eyes. "I thought we were safe. I thought Joss was on my side. I didn't know that Bailey had her watching you, that she'd been in on that job. He'd threatened her to watch me, to," he snorted, "to keep me in line. She lied to me and I don't know who she reported to."

Shawn pulled into a driveway and lowered his eyes to the steering column. "I don't know who she was working for but I do know that it won't be long before they figure out what I've done. And when they do, they'll come after me." He unbuckled his seatbelt and stepped out of the car. He opened Gus' door and undid the restraints keeping him in, avoiding the fearful look in his eyes.

"Shawn? What's going on?"

"I could be dead in a matter of days. I'm good, but Joss was better. But the good news is: they don't even know you exist. I think you'll be a lot safer and a lot happier here. I-" Shawn finally allowed himself to look up, his heart jumping into his throat. Gus looked so… broken and it made it easier for Shawn to believe he was doing the right thing, knowing he was the one that had put that look on his face. "Gus." His voice cracked and his hands made a ghost trail from Gus' chest to his neck. He pulled him into a deep kiss before burying his face in his neck. He whispered his name a few more times before pulling out of Gus' vice.

"Shawn, please." He could tell by the look on his face how painful this was for him. And it hurt more, knowing how much Gus had lost in that night alone.

He tried to push Gus away, all the while pulling him closer. He knew he was never going to get anywhere with Gus holding onto him like this and he pulled him close again. The second time he pulled the syringe from his pocket, he knew he was doing the right thing.

He carried Gus as gently as possible up the driveway. He'd called ahead and he didn't even have to knock. His brain was still reeling with what he was about to do and he hoped his story had been convincing enough because he couldn't remember what it was. She let him in with a disapproving glance for him and a relieved expression at the sight of Gus in his arms. She followed him all the way into Gus' room and he felt her confused gaze burning through his back as he laid Gus down and placed a kiss on his lips.

He eyed his feet all the way to the front door, knowing the house by memory. "Take good care of him. Keep him mad at me."

She crossed her arms and stared him down before sighing and running a hand through his hair. She pulled him into a hug and muttered into his ear what he didn't know he'd been waiting to hear for so long. "You're not a bad person, Shawn. Remember that."

He left the Guster's that night convinced Gus would forgive him once more. And that thought made easier to leave than he'd thought it would.


	10. Epilogue

A/N: Thanks so much to everyone that stuck with me through this story. A sequel is in the works, though I'm not sure when I'll get around to posting it. Love you lots!

Epilogue

Gus spent the first few weeks at home getting his life together, or at least letting his mother put it together. His sudden disappearance lost him the menial filing job he'd worked for. He went on a couple of interviews, using the work he'd done at the law firm to pump up his resume, even if it felt weird to see his real name at the top of the sheet. He managed to score a job selling pharmaceuticals and it felt good to see a smile on his mother's face again. His father had left and the sudden return of her newly broken son didn't do much to improve her emotional disposition. Gus could sympathize with her. How could he not?

He spent the next year throwing himself completely into work. He didn't have the energy for much else. He found that it was a lot harder to make small talk when he was worrying about whether or not Shawn was still alive. It was too easy to focus on office politics and trading low-grade gossip than to focus on the scars and bruises still littering his body, remnants of his past life. He had a new future now and it was boring and mediocre… and it felt good.

No more thinking twice before giving anyone his name. No more shot practice on the weekend. Saturday shopping with his mother instead of Shawn threatening to beat the hell out of him if he didn't get his defense position just right. No more yelling, no more screaming, no more blood. He was finally able to go to sleep at night without hearing the sounds of bodies hitting the ground, the sickening thuds. No more.

No more quiet nights spent dozing off in the passenger seat with the low sound of Shawn's voice lulling him to sleep. No more warm bodies next to his on the nights it got too much to bear. No more stolen smiles bright enough to warm his heart. No more torturous kisses, no more tantalizing touches, no more tender slides of skin against his own. No more Shawn.

Gus fell from his boring life into empty dreams of what his life used to be. Of what he meant to that man across the world fighting for the choices he now regretted. Gus tried not to think about it. The less he dwelled on him, the better. It made it easier to not think about him, easier to not talk about him, easier to not dream about him. Easier, easier, easier.

So it wouldn't hurt so much to think about the fact that Shawn might never make it back. That he might not want to.

* * *

Shawn was just finishing up with an informant when he noticed a news piece on a large robbery in downtown Denver. The report was about a new witness making an identification on a man he'd seen that night in the store, his sole memory based on what the streetlight had highlighted. From what Shawn remembered about the area, that store was located on the corner farthest from the streetlight. He smiled to himself and dialed the tip line, knowing his line was untraceable.

Shawn spent the next year focusing on tracking down the men Joss had reported to. He had enough tips to know they were a sect of Bailey's men and that they were looking for him as well. In his downtown from calling in old favors and covering his tracks, he'd been making anonymous calls to local police departments, solving open cases. It gave him something to do at night when he couldn't sleep. He kept getting the urge to call Gus, just to hear his voice and know that he was okay. Every time he got as far as punching in the whole number, he would remember that Gus had been so close to leaving Shawn with Joss. If he'd been that ready, it was for the best that Shawn left him alone.

He got as far as letting the call go through once, only once, seven months in. He'd located one of Bailey's men, an old friend. After seeing Shawn's face, he'd wasted no time in making the call. His hand reached for the phone in his pocket so fast Shawn's natural reflexes kicked in and he'd shot the man in the chest before he had time to think. That night, he'd been so sickened with what he'd done, he'd rushed straight out to bar and drowned his sorrows in whiskey.

He left the bar with the first woman that looked at him. Too lost in his head to care that she hadn't even asked his name. She was on her back before he'd even closed the door and she had her bra off before he'd even crossed the room. He came inside of her, Gus' name in his head, on his lips, behind every slide of his palm across her body.

After, he lay on his back staring at the ceiling remembering how Joss used to be the solution for this. She never asked him why he looked as if he was about to weep, or why he'd held her so tightly, eyes closed but refused to touch her the second his eyes were open. She would lie by his side and tell him stories, about anything under sun, and she'd hold his hand. And if he cried, she would continue anyway, as if she wasn't witnessing the very end of his resolve.

And he told Gus all of this on the phone, in great detail, his voice low and gravelly. He made excuses and apologies, his mind going everything he'd ever wanted to say. "And I just thought you should know that I don't blame you for what you did. Any of it. If I had been where you are… where you were, I would've done the same thing." He paused, static over the line, "Except I wouldn't have. I love you too much. I would've never left, Gus… I would've never left, not again.

"I left you. Over and over again. I left you to travel the world. I left you to grow into a man without me. I left you that night and I can't fix that." His voice lifted and his smile was almost audible. "Well I guess I could not die and come back to make it up to you. If that counts. I think I should hang up now because… I've got a flight in the morning. Can't miss it."

He'd hung up; Gus never said a word because he hadn't heard the message until early the next morning. His mother walked in to see him standing motionless next to the answering machine repeating over and over, like a mantra that he knew Shawn was in trouble, that he was flying solo and that Gus couldn't help. That Shawn was going to die and he couldn't do anything about it.

* * *

Gus spent the next few weeks sleeping dreamlessly and alone. Until he wasn't alone anymore. He awoke one night to the sound of someone breaking into his newly acquired apartment. He grabbed the nearest imitation of a weapon and crept out of his bedroom into the hallway only to be tackled to the ground by a hard, warm figure. He knew without asking.

"Shawn?"

"Who else?" He stood up and pulled Gus to his feet. "Nice place-"

"Yes, you can crash here." Gus cut in. His grin was threatening to split his face in half.

"Just like that? Wow, are you on something?" Shawn asked incredulously.

Gus started dragging him back into his bedroom, undressing him as he went. "I thought you were dead." He buried his face into Shawn's neck and mumbled, "But you're here now and that's all that matters. You came back to me."

Shawn swallowed the pain in his throat and responded, "I always do."


End file.
